Between desire and action

Between desire and action there is a moment of choice. Often I do not stay in the space between long enough to know this, because my desire is strong and … why not move into action?

During this period of chosen celibacy I am noticing how often I am driven by my desire and do not allow myself enough of a pause to ask important questions:

Is this what I really want?

Is being sexual the right way for me to connect with this beautiful being in front of me, or is this a desire to ‘have’ her / him?

Where might this lead? Is that the right direction for me? For them?

Perhaps these seem like unnecessarily big questions when I simply fancy someone. But I have broad tastes and a lot of lust: I fancy a lot of people. And I have sated my lust for a long time – as I turn 38 it’s been 7 beautiful years of pleasure, pleasure and more pleasure.

A change is coming, heralded by this period of chosen celibacy. The desire is still there, of course. It’s a big part of how I relate to others – through mutual attraction and delicious flirtation. But a space for choice is growing while I’m ‘not allowed’ to connect with others sexually. Perhaps this is something I can take out with me when I come out of the other side of being celibate: enough space to ask myself what I really want with this person.

As the marvellous Avanti said during our last session together, life is a dance between form and non-form. I move into form quickly and I generally love how fleshy and embodied my life is right now. But in sex – as in many other areas – I’m welcoming the space for a quiet voice to emerge, a guide beyond the desires that control me, to a self-mastering sense of what I really, really want.