My racy mind // what’s that all about?

A while ago I had a gorgeous client session. My client is someone I’m friendly with, and I was delighted when she booked in for a Sacred Kink session with me; even more so when I found out that her interest was in the kind of strict D/s that sings to me.

The session was right up my alley: a delicious blend of harshly-imposed rules and deep sexual longing. And afterwards she was too high to go anywhere, and since I had no plans we hung out for a while.

We talked. We talked and talked and talked. We’d never had this much undiluted time together before – previously there’d been other people around and stuff going on. We got along beautifully and it felt nice to move from a structured D/s space into something more relaxed.

So here I am: hanging out with a beautiful woman I’ve just been my favourite blend of cruel and sexy with. I find her both sexy and smart and the spark is undeniable. But of course nothing’s going to happen: not only am I currently celibate, she’s also a client. So even if she was interested in me as a lover, that wouldn’t be appropriate right now.

With celibacy making me unable to act on them, I’m able to observe my desires more objectively. Last week I noticed how I often desire people ‘for the sake of it’; and with this beautiful woman in front of me I noticed something different. As we talked, with the memory of our delicious scene still fresh, a feeling of love started to arise in me. So far, so good – strong feelings are natural after an intense and intimate connection, especially when followed by such delightful conversation.

It’s the next bit that spun me out. While we’re talking my monkey mind starts racing ahead, imagining us together and thinking about how amazing that would be. It was everything I could do to stop the little monkey from planning what furniture we’ll have and erecting a picket fence around our urban cottage. You know, the one that houses our three kids and two cats. Yeah, that one. Double-U Tee Ef!

Here I learnt something fascinating about the loneliness that prompted this period of Chosen Celibacy. The loneliness happens in my mind. It’s in my mind that I move from a beautiful feeling of love ‘in the moment’ – which is natural, delicious and doesn’t ‘mean’ anything – to a bunch of ideas about where it might lead. It’s in my mind that I race ahead, wondering how far this will go. It’s in my mind that things get all fucked up. It’s something I’ve understood before, but not as deeply as I do while the celibacy barrier is in place.

There are two aspects to this. One is a recognition that, even after 8 years of polyamoury I still have some residual monogamous conditioning around falling in love. I still struggle just to be, to feel as I feel without it meaning anything. Even though this is one of the goals of being poly for me, it still feels a way off.

Second, and perhaps more important in terms of my current investigation into my emotional needs, I notice my mind’s desire to hold onto what is in front of me – particularly if it is something I like. This is the insidious way my attachment operates, growing vines around the things I love like in a medieval fantasy, wrapping things up and bringing them to me, making them mine. This is where possession starts, for me. In a place of fear. In that moment when I feel love and I think ‘Don’t leave me, don’t ever leave me.’

As she left the next morning I felt a twinge of loneliness; and then I remembered that this is just attachment, that I didn’t have to follow it. I was happy to let her go, for both of us to enjoy being free and to relish the memory of a gorgeous evening.