Giving & receiving feedback

Giving and receiving feedback is very important. In this article I’m going to explore why that is and how we can do skilfully and effectively.

Why is feedback important
First of all, I want to explore why giving and receiving feedback is so important. A key reason, in my opinion, is that other people can see things about us that we can’t: our blind spots and our shadow behaviours. These are the things that we do unconsciously, the aspects of ourselves that we haven’t yet integrated into our conscious awareness. So at the same time they’re the hardest things to see and the ones that potentially cause the most harm and do the most damage.

People close to us can often see those aspects clearly. They see them and they still care about us – in fact, they care about us enough to bother giving us feedback about them. Giving feedback isn’t easy: in fact, it’s really tough. It takes courage and integrity and it’s a vulnerable thing to do. When we give feedback we risk hurting someone’s feelings. We do so because we care about them and feel it’s important to share what we can see. So when someone takes the time to give us feedback, it’s a gift – even if it hurts to receive it. More on that a bit later on.

This leads to the second reason that giving and receiving feedback is so important: it creates a culture of authentic communication in which vulnerability is honoured and respected. Over the last few years we’ve seen a broad array of books, talks and courses exploring the importance of authentic communication and vulnerability – most notably Brené Brown (check out her awesome TED talks on vulnerability and shame) and Kristen Neff. These researchers working in the fields of shame, vulnerability and self-compassion have demonstrated how intimacy grows out of our ability to ‘dare greatly’, to be brave when things get tough, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable rather than playing it safe.

This approach leads us home from the ‘never enough’ rugged individualism that’s making us emotionally and spiritually ill. Giving and receiving feedback is a great tool for opening up a space of authenticity and vulnerability, which in turn leads us back to our humanity and to whole-heartedness in our relationships.

So this is the third, interconnected reason why giving and receiving feedback is so important: it opens up a space of intimacy between us and others. As humans we are ‘hardwired for connection’, but in our current climate it’s hard to achieve real intimacy with other people. Giving and receiving feedback, like other richly uncomfortable interactions, is a powerful way to bring us closer.

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